Hi again!! I took a long break from this newsletter while I was working on my next book—but now that I’ve finished a draft I feel decent about turning in to my editor, I’m resolving to get back in the habit of writing to you all, if for nothing else than to document my debut year a bit more.
So I’m going to try to write one newsletter a month until my book comes out on November 12. (Just eight newsletters, right? That sounds doable??). My hope is that I’ll send it out close to the 12th of each month, but we’ll see I guess!
Since I’m kind of rebooting this thing, I’m going to give it a bit more structure. Nothing terribly new or fancy—I’m taking inspiration from so many other author newsletters here—but going forward I’m going to divide this into three sections. One where I talk about what I’m working on and how debut year is feeling, share personal reflections etc; one where I’ll share some kind of writing advice or observation about craft; and one where I’ll share what I’ve been loving lately.
I just have a lot of feelings okay
This past month felt kind of like a year in itself, somehow? I feel like I’ve been eight months out from debuting for ages.
I’m grateful to have a book coming out, to have gotten this far, and for my life in general. I also just . . . feel kind of panicked all the time lately? Like there’s something I’m supposed to do that I’m not doing, that other authors are doing, but that maybe I’m not actually even capable of doing? Like I’m constantly failing a little bit. Like I’m behind before I’ve started.
I think part of it is: after years of being pretty secretive about my writing, learning how to talk about my book in public feels kind of like growing another limb. It’s just so wild for something so personal, made from my soft insides, to go out there to be perceived and judged (or, like, ignored? Which is also gut-wrenching to think about in its own way).
I think time has felt so slow because my book is more out there now. My cover is up, the book is available for request on Netgalley, and it’s up for preorder on major retailers’ websites.
Reviewers are . . . reading it?? I have even heard from some of them??? It’s such a weird, vulnerable feeling. That knowledge, plus trying to get more serious about social media promo, just . . . brings up a lot of stuff for me. Looking at that Instagram stats dashboard, and looking at the number of “want-to-read” adds my book has on Goodreads compared to others coming out in the same season—it really makes my unpopular-kid insecurities from high school pop out.
I know, I know—compare and despair. Keep your eyes on your own paper. The sayings that authors hear all the time and repeat. I used to clutch this one to my chest whenever I’d be tempted to use someone else’s success to beat myself up about whatever I’m lacking: It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me. Meaning: Someone else’s success doesn’t tell you anything about what is or isn’t going to happen to you! And maybe you don’t even want or need the same things! I know the story. This panicked feeling doesn’t seem to care.
The thing is, I was doing alright with not comparing until I got to the point where my book was out there, and I realized: Oh shit, I need to start trying now. I need to stop being a hermit and start trying to actually tell people about this book I wrote. And to do that, and get better at it, I kind of have to compare? I have to look around at what other people are doing and learn about what’s working and what’s not. To my chagrin, the motivation for looking at those want-to-read stats is also pretty rational—it’s the only indicator I have of whether what I’m doing generally is having some kind of impact, right? Right?
Or at least, this is the mindset I’ve somehow fallen into lately, like I got caught in a riptide and swept out to sea. I don’t think there’s any consensus on how much author social media matters—I hear that it doesn’t really move the needle and that it’s incredibly important pretty much in equal measure, and I’m guessing that’s because a) it’s different for each author and book, probably?, and b) so many factors go into a book’s success, it’s hard to actually isolate out which ones matter or not. We’re not exactly using the scientific method out here.
But a weird thing also happened, when I finished pass pages and realized I wasn’t going to be actively working on the text of this story anymore. I actually really wanted to talk about this book. I was kind of bursting with it, all of a sudden. And trying on social media seemed better, in some ways, than the constant churning anxiety about what I would miss out on by not trying?
I’m hoping, sometime over the next eight months, to figure out how to show up and put the effort in on promo while also letting go of the outcome. To stop checking my want-to-read stats because it’s not clear if Goodreads is actually a bellwether of how a book will perform, and it probably paints an incomplete picture of the market, and all the people who aren’t super online who still buy and read books. (And, yes, I should stop fixating on it because there’s so much about how a book eventually does that’s out of an individual author’s control). I’m hoping to focus on the good things that do happen and to keep my expectations low without catastrophizing.
I . . . don’t feel like I’m succeeding at any of that so far! But like the song says: This is me trying. Hopefully next time, I’ll talk more about those good things I’m focusing on.
A process that makes drafting easier for me
I’ve been drafting something new lately! Scary! I find having to come up with every single element of the story from scratch more intimidating than revising, and drafting my second book was pretty painful when I started working on it last year.
It’s a tricky thing, taking enough pressure off that you can play around, but maintaining enough motivation and urgency that you can keep showing up regularly and moving forward on it.
I was lucky enough this month to get to talk to some high school students about what I learned from the experience of finishing my debut novel, after years of starting projects and getting stuck half way.
Here’s one of the tips from the handout I made for them:
It’s okay if you don’t get your best ideas while you’re staring at the blank page
A big thing that got me stuck in the past was putting too much pressure on the moment I would sit down at my desk to write. I have the best ideas when I’m not trying to have ideas. Part of what helped me eventually finish a novel was accepting this and adjusting my process to work with that reality.
For me, that looked like breaking my writing process into three steps:
1. I think about what I want the next scene in the story to be, broadly, and then I mull it over in the back of my mind for a day or so, while I’m doing other things. I’ll make some general guiding notes in a Google Doc and look them over on my phone, whenever I have a moment of downtime. When I get ideas at random times throughout the day, I’ll add them to that Google Doc. Then, when I sit down for my next writing session, I have a bunch of notes and ideas waiting for me, instead of a blank page.
2. I devote my next writing session just to planning the next scene more intentionally. So I’ll take these chaotic notes, structure them, flesh them out, add to them—but I don’t put pressure on myself to write real sentences yet. I just focus on the structure of the scene and fleshing out what happens.
3. I’ll think about the scene for the next day, read over my scene plan, maybe tweak and flesh it out a little on my phone, while I’m going about my business. Then when I sit down for my next writing session, I have a pretty detailed guide to follow, and I’ll write the scene through fully, in real sentences. But it’s much less painful than getting myself to confront the blank page cold.
This is just what works for me, and your process might well look completely different! But this is an example of how you can find ways to compensate for the aspects of the writing process that might be getting you stuck.
February-March recs
* I’ve been listening to Mitski’s “My Love Mine All Mine” a lot lately—maybe because it’s a trending song, maybe because it just fits the clutching-my-heart-in-my-hands-and-holding-it-out-into-the-void feeling that book promo gives me.
I’m also obsessed with No Rome’s Blueboy Must Die album. I’ve been listening to it whenever I have to drive somewhere at night. The song “Brother” makes me tear up.
* I’m so bad at watching TV?? By that I mean: I start to feel really antsy and wish I was doing something else instead, but if I’m watching TV, I’ll probably be too tired to. For the months of January and February, I think I basically exclusively watched old episodes of Master Chef.
I made the mistake of binge-watching One Day until the wee hours of the morning, and then I was so upset afterward, I couldn’t fall asleep! DEVASTATING, OH MY GOD. Do not watch it right before bed!! It made me angry, but I also kind of loved it in some ways? I’m still thinking about the dynamic between the characters.
Lately I’ve been comfort-rewatching the Korean drama Oh My Ghost, in which the ghost of an outgoing person possesses the body of a painfully shy person, and helps her finally go after her longtime crush—who then has to work out which of them he actually fell in love with. They also have to solve the ghost’s cold-case murder. It’s the best.
* This month, I read and loved:
I Wish You Would by Eva Des Lauriers — Beautifully written, filled with angst and longing, incredible premise, SO MUCH TENSION. Loved it.
A Bánh Mì for Two by Trinity Nguyen — This was my second time reading this book, and it’s like a warm hug and a good meal all in one. Highly recommend.
I Hope This Doesn’t Find You by Ann Liang — Reading this made me so happy, I wish I could bottle the feeling and take it as a supplement until the next Ann Liang book comes out.
Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata — This book was such a breath of fresh air? It was strange and offbeat and surprised me in ways I really enjoyed. And it helped me get out of my head while I was thinking about this new project.
* And I’m currently reading and loving:
The Dark We Know by Wen-yi Lee — Gorgeous prose that takes my breath away and resonates in my bones, with themes that really speak to my heart. Obsessed.
Dead Things Are Closer Than They Appear by Robin Wasley — Oh my God I love the characters and their dynamics with each other and the main character’s voice! Even though the characters are often in peril as they’re navigating a localized zombie apocalypse, reading this book has been such a comforting treat.
Alright, well—this was fun, let’s do it again next month!
Love always,
Clare